Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.