ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
