you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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