I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
