That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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