yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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