I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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