I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
