The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
