I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
