she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
