P.S. I can't hear my feet
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
