please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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