She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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