my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
