I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
