idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
