I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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