How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
