I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
