I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
