It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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