Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
