my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
