god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
