Banned from zoo.
Again?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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