I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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