I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
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Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
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Still dying that you shit outside
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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