the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
