you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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