I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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