Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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