I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
