I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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