I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
