My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He passed out mid-signature
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
