i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
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Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
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It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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