a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
