your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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