I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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