How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
