The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
