upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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