I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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