the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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