Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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