Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Randomize
