I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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