you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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