Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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