dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
