he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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