Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
