just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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