I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
