i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
