my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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