He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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