Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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