does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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